This Actually Happened.

August 1, 1876. American Hippies flee persecution of the East. Establish Free Hippie State of Colorado.

At the end of the civil war, founders of the cultural sect that would eventually be known as "Hippies" fled the oppressive confines of the East Coast and established the territory of Colorado, which became a state on this date in 1876.

Leaving Upper Montclair, New Jersey on a beautiful spring day, the group (or "autonomous commune" as they called themselves) had no idea what was in store for them.

It was a harrowing journey, filled with danger and hardship. Upon crossing the Delaware Water Gap, their caravan of Priuses was immediately surrounded by savage bands of natives driving pickup trucks, eating red meat and wearing textiles that couldn't be verified as cruelty-free. For weeks, they pressed on along treacherous highways lined with dangerous corporate interests, without passing a Whole Foods or even one single decent vegan restaurant. 

When the group finally arrived in what is now Boulder, they had no idea that their biggest tribulations were yet to come. Winter was already well underway. And their plan to keep warm by wearing multiple layers of hemp clothing was foiled when they discovered that the head shops that carried these items wouldn't be open for another 80 years.

Also, the frozen ground made it impossible for them to plant the crop of granola trees that they had counted on to sustain them. Eventually, to avoid starvation, the group debated the idea of cannibalism. In the end, they decided that it that it was justified. Since it was other Hippies they were eating, it was technically organic, and therefore permissible.

1498. Columbus lands in Trinidad. Becomes world's first asshole American tourist.

JULY 31, 1498

Six years after discovering America, and with it the millions of Indians who discovered it at birth, Columbus sailed to the Island of Trinidad. A visit that would make him the first ever obnoxious American tourist.

Columbus set the tone for the trip the instant he reached shore. As the island's native chief waded into the water and extended his hand to greet Columbus, the explorer immediately handed the chief his suitcase, adding also that there was a five-spot in it for him if he didn't break anything.

This simple exchange would have lasting effects -- establishing the unique blend of cultural ignorance and behavioral apathy that would become synonymous with American tourism.

For the next two weeks, Columbus painstakingly developed new and ingenious methods of embarrassing himself and offending his hosts. 

In fact, most historians give Columbus credit for inventing the art of non-stop complaining. The food was too spicy. The waiters too slow. There wasn't any air conditioning on the whole "God-forsaken shit hole of an island." And worst of all, Columbus noted, nobody there spoke English. Not even Columbus himself.

In just two weeks time, he set a standard for American tourist decorum so insurmountable, that subsequent explorers felt uncomfortable even going to Trinidad.  However, they eventually solved this problem by discovering Canada, adopting the maple leaf as its symbol, and then sewing the leafy red emblem onto their backpacks for travel purposes.

July 30, 1619. The New World's first ever legislative body convenes. Approval ratings hit record low.

On this date, a group of prominent citizens of Jamestown, Virginia appointed themselves the Western Hemisphere’s first freely elected legislature. This body, called the House of Burgesses, was responsible for many firsts in America’s legislative history.

The House installed the world’s first two-party system, where the conservative Witch Incinerators had to share power with the more liberal, progressive Redskin Sodomizers party.

It was also the scene of the new world’s first legislative sex scandal – when Burgess John Yoder (RS) helped another Burgess’s wife up from her chair without the use of a handkerchief.

And the scene of the first gay sex scandal, when Burgess Henry Hixon (WI) momentarily glanced at the genitalia of fellow Burgess Chester York (RS) as Burgess York relieved himself into the chamber’s piss pot.

On a less lascivious note, the Jamestown House of Burgesses also featured North America’s first case of  abuse of power, when  Burgess Daniel Shaw (RS) was caught fucking a pig in the House chamber. The rules specifically forbade the fucking of pigs on Colonial property, unless the pig was being fucked as part of an official colonial function.

 Shaw was also responsible for the continent’s first cover-up scandal, when he ate the pig.

Most of the House’s first Burgesses ended up serving for life. This was ironic considering they swept themselves to power on a platform of term limits, claiming that those who hadn’t been in office before them had been not in office for far too long, and that they should step aside and let someone else do nothing.

July 29, 1968. Church leaders affirm the sanctity of human life. As long as it's not actually alive yet.

On this day in 1968, Pope Paul VI, after much prayer and soul searching, condemned the use of artificial contraceptives, a position that the Catholic Church maintains to this day. The Pope's revolutionary decree, entitled Humanae Vitae, protects the lives of the unborn and not-yet-conceived, while at the same time preserving the church's long-standing tradition of completely destroying the lives of everyone who's not still attached to a placenta.

The Papal encyclical was seen as a clever triangulation designed to appease each of the College of Cardinals' two largest factions -- The Just Hiding From The Fact That They're Really Gay Cardinals, and the I'm Just In It For The Power And The Money Cardinals.

After some initial resistance, the I'm Just In It For The Power And The Money faction signed on when they were assured that the church's newfound dedication to the sanctity of life did not apply to the living. And that they would be free to slaughter the world's few remaining indigenous peoples, extort the meager life's savings of the poor and indigent, and wage brutal crusades (this time with nukes and biological weapons that have been blessed by the Pope).

The Really Gays, as they were commonly referred to within the Vatican walls, unanimously supported the decree from the beginning. Since there had never been a recorded case of unwanted pregnancy in an altar boy, they saw the decree as a fluff piece that didn't really affect them that much.